I bought a yo-yo.
Not because I wanted a yo-yo. Because a productivity guru on YouTube said "active breaks improve cognitive function by 37%." He had a whiteboard. Charts. A ring light. Seemed credible.
The yo-yo cost £12. It was aluminium. Responsive bearing. I told myself this was an investment in my career.
I was naive.
The yo-yo worked. I could do "Walk the Dog."
My actual dog died that week. Unrelated. Probably.
I bought a second yo-yo to honour his memory. This made sense to no one but me.
Discovered you can do yo-yo tricks during Zoom calls if your camera is off.
Discovered you cannot do yo-yo tricks during Zoom calls if you forget your camera is on.
HR called it "disturbing." I called it "active learning."
We agreed to disagree. They agreed to document it.
Implemented a 47-point morning routine.
Starts at 4 AM. Ends at 11 AM. Includes: meditation, yo-yo practice, journaling about why the routine isn't working yet, and 45 minutes of staring at my inbox without opening it.
My manager asked if I was "okay."
I sent him a 2,000-word PDF called "The Productivity Manifesto: Why Traditional Metrics Are Obsolete."
He forwarded it to HR. They forwarded it to someone with a psychology degree.
The 90-Day Challenge was complete.
I had not transformed. I had, however, developed an unsettling attachment to inanimate objects.
Started Day 91. Then Day 92. Then Day 183.
Turns out "90 days" is more of a suggestion than a deadline when you're in denial.
Bought my 11th yo-yo.
My therapist asked "why 11?"
I said "consistency."
She said "that's not what consistency means."
I stopped going to therapy. Bought a 12th yo-yo instead. Cheaper. More supportive.
Coworker borrowed my yo-yo.
Never returned it.
I handled it professionally.
I created a detailed PowerPoint presentation titled "The Yo-Yo Incident: A Case Study in Trust Erosion and Organisational Breakdown."
47 slides.
Presented it during our quarterly all-hands meeting.
Slide 12 was just his face with the word "THIEF" in red text.
Slide 23 was a graph tracking "Days Since Yo-Yo Theft" vs. "My Declining Faith in Humanity."
Slide 31 was a proposed "Yo-Yo Return Protocol" with 6 phases and a 90-day implementation timeline.
HR stopped the presentation at slide 34.
I sent them the remaining 13 slides via email. With read receipts.
I also filed a formal grievance. 17 pages. Single-spaced. Footnoted. I cited case law. The case law was about maritime disputes. It was not relevant. I cited it anyway.
The yo-yo was worth £24.
The HR investigation cost the company approximately £12,000 in wasted labour hours.
I consider this a win.
Started working from inside a fort made of Amazon boxes.
Told my manager it was "optimising my spatial environment for deep focus work."
He said "you haven't responded to an email in 6 weeks."
I said "exactly."
Realised I hadn't showered in 9 days.
Bought a premium bamboo desk organiser instead.
Priorities.
My neighbour complained about the smell.
I complained about his face.
We're both filing paperwork.
Became a minimalist.
Threw out everything except: 23 yo-yos, 47 desk organisers, 14 stress balls, 8 fidget cubes, a whiteboard covered in insane flowcharts, and a framed photo of a person I no longer speak to but refuse to throw away out of spite.
This is what minimalism looks like when you're unwell.
HR scheduled a "wellness check."
I responded by sending them a 40-slide PowerPoint presentation titled "Why I'm Thriving: A Data-Driven Analysis."
Slide 6 was just a photo of my yo-yo collection.
Slide 23 was a graph showing my "productivity" increasing whilst my "employment status" plummeted.
They didn't appreciate the irony.
Started referring to my flat as "The Laboratory."
My landlord started referring to it as "a health hazard."
Tomato, tomahto.
Built a geodesic dome out of magnetic balls during a board meeting.
My camera was on.
The CEO asked what I was doing.
I said "optimising."
He said "you're fired."
I said "actually, I'm self-employed now."
He said "you were fired 6 weeks ago."
I said "Schrödinger's employment: if I never opened the termination email, am I really fired?"
He hung up.
I finished the dome. It was beautiful.
Ran out of money.
Sold 3 yo-yos on eBay.
Bought 4 more with the profits.
This is what they call "entrepreneurship."
My mother rang. Asked if I was "doing okay."
I assured her I'd never been better. I'm a consultant now. A thought leader. I'm writing a book.
She asked what the book was about.
I said "yo-yos and systemic optimisation failure."
She asked if I'd eaten recently.
I hung up. Ate a stress ball. Not on purpose. It was dark.
Started Dead End Desk.
Not because I'm qualified. Not because I've "made it."
Because I've spiralled so far past rock bottom that I've discovered new geological layers of failure, and I might as well monetise them.
First sale: one yo-yo.
Customer review: "Why did I buy this?"
Exactly.
Still here.
Still optimising.
Still haven't opened that termination email.
Still own 23 yo-yos.
Still living in a fort.
Still convinced this will all make sense eventually.